A socialist and a priest meet in a pub. The socialist mutters INTO phpbb_his beer, then nudges the priest's elbow and blurts out "religion is the opium of the people! You are oppressing the masses!"

The priest nods in understanding. "And as a fellow dealer, you would prefer they upgrade to crack?"
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Two LibDem-voting social workers are walking down the street and come across a severely beaten and bleeding man sprawled in the middle of the pavement.

As they walked past him and one said to the other:

"Whoever did that needs help"
[Rep]

:-) :-) :-)

Best one so far!
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There was this little boy who lived in Woking and his only interest in life was tractors He belonged to the Massey Furgison Tractor Club, every week he got the magazine, Tractor Weekly and every month The Tractor Monthly. Everyday after school and at weekends he would rush to the nearest field to watch the tractor going up and down, up and down and he was very happy.

Anyway as happens the years roll by and he meets a girl, they fall in love and have children of their own. Even though he now has a wife and kids every day after work, at weekends and during holidays he would rush to the nearest field to watch the tractors going up and down, up and down and he was a very happy man.

Sadly his wife wasn't, she said to him, "Oi mush them tractors are doing my head in, either they go or me and the kids go" While the man thought about it for a while and then he said to his wife "Darling you and the kids are the most important thing in my life and I can't bare to loose you" And then he went upstairs to the bedroom took down all the tractor pictures from the wall, wrote out his resignation from the tractor club and cancelled his subscriptions for the Tractor Weekly and Tractor Monthly and never again did he go to the nearest field to watch the tractors going up and down, up and down.

Six months later he gets home from work, parks in the drive and goes INTO phpbb_the house and he couldn't believe his eyes, the wife had been cooking the tea, chips and the pan had caught fire, the kitchen was full of smoke and the wife and kids were histerical. The man rushed INTO phpbb_the kitchen grabbed the kids and pushed them out the back door, he then came back and grabbed the wife and did the same with her. Then he returned to the cooker sucked in all the smoke ran to the back door and blew it out.

Afterwards his wife said "you were amazing, you saved my life, the lives of our lovely kids and our beautiful home, but tell me how did you do it?"
The man looked her in the eyes and said "Well my darling I am an ex-tractor fan!"

Get it!! Sounds better when I tell it and I will be very soon every night in a hotel somewhere in this country, I wont say where, you'll enjoy the suprise much more if you stay there!! or not!!:-) :-) :-) :-)
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"The Battle of Trafalgar 2004 style."

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability"."What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."


Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! . And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
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Brilliant!!!!! Life in the 21st century.
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"Mummy, Mummy, there's a man a the door with a bill......"


"Rubbish son, it must be a duck with a hat on!"

OK BB - you can use that one.
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Apparently David Blunkett thought 'Bigamy' was a character from an Austin Powers film...............
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..............and that 'harass' was actually two words?
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Blunkett joke: Dave blunkett is walking down the street with his trusty labrador one day, and stops at a crossing. The dog promptly cocks his leg up and pees all over davids leg. Blunkett then gets a dog biscuit out of his pocket and gives it to the dog. The woman standing next to him says "thats really kind, most owners would have been really angry with their dog. you really are a nice man" Dave replys with "oh no, im just finding where his mouth is so I can kick him in the nuts!"
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