Laughter is the best medicine

Tony Blair had just finished telling his government how important it was to show a united front.

He emphasized that all members would, until the election, ensure they made themselves available to their constituents and to get their faces known.

"I will tolerate no one taking a day off until the election" he said, "the only justification for doing so will be a medically certifiable illness or a death in the person's immediate family."

John Prescott asked, somewhat wearily, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, Primeminister?"

"Well," responded Mr. Blair "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Excellent (did you make that up BB)

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A life long supporter of the Ukip party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Veritas party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're Ukip through and through… Why change now?"
The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

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A little boy went to his dad and asked, "What is politics?"
The Dad thought for a while, and then said, "Well son, let me try to explain it like this. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so you could call me Capitalism. Now think about your mum - she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. Now your mum and I, we're here to take care of your needs, so we'll consider you to be the people. Nanny works very hard, so we'll call her the Working Class. And lastly, your baby brother - let's call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense!"
So the little boy went off to bed and spent all evening thinking about what his dad had told him.
Later that night, the boy heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went INTO phpbb_his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went instead to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looked through the keyhole and to his surprise saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up trying to wake anyone and went back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy said to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father replied, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy said, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo

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Health warning.

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease.
This disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.
Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to:

Anti-social personality disorder traits; Delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Britain. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago after the contact with a Texan Bush

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New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.

However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 deputy vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have taken less than a minute.

Administratium has a radioactive half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and deputy vice neutrons exchange places.

Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at every level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.

Attempts are being made to determine how the presence of Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

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Tony Blair, Michael Howard, Charles Kennedy and Roger Knapman are to appear on Question Time, and are flown to the studio. On the way, Blair, Howard and Kennedy are all squabbling and trying to outdo each other.

Tony Blair says: "You know what I've just realised? I could throw a £100 note out of this plane, and make someone down there really happy."

Michael Howard, not to be outdone, replies: "Well, I could throw ten £10 notes out of this plane, and make ten people down there happy."

Charles Kennedy chips in: "Yes, but I could throw one hundred £1 coins out, and make one hundred people below quite happy.

Fed up with their squabbling, Roger Knapman answers: "That's nothing, I could throw all three of you out of the plane and make the entire country estatic!"

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